The 5 Languages Of Love: The Secret Of Long-lasting Couples

The 5 Languages of Love

The concept of the author is that there are 5 ways of manifesting our love, which he called the 5 languages of Love. We each have our own language, which does not necessarily correspond to that of our partner, which can be problematic in our relationship. The following is a set of my reading notes from this book as well as my remarks.

To feel loved and fall in love

The word Amour is an essential term in the French language and at the same time one of the most ambiguous. You can say "I love my wife" but also "I like pasta" or "I like to run". The need to feel loved is a fundamental human emotional need. Falling in love responds to emotional need but only temporarily because it has a limited and predictable lifespan.

Love at first sight is a highlight of a temporary sentimental experience. It is an obsession. We lose control, we are no longer ourselves. Our deepest emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by others, to know a Love which proceeds from both reason and will, and not from instinct.

We all have, from childhood, an "emotional reservoir" that begs to be filled with Love. If we lacked Love in our childhood, we will need affection even more in our adulthood. To feed this emotional reservoir, there are several ways, several languages of Love to know which differ from person to person:

If you regularly give your girlfriend gifts but are never home because you are too busy with your work, her emotional reservoir will eventually drain because she will feel neglected.

We must therefore know how our partner works and use his or her language (s).

Rewarding words

Valorizing lyrics are words of appreciation and verbal compliments. They are powerful communicators of Love. They should preferably be used in the form of simple, straightforward statements. Emphasizing what is positive rather than negative brings about a virtuous spiral. It is therefore preferable to use verbal compliments instead of admonitions. Giving your partner a sincere compliment is just one way to let them know how much you value them.Encouraging your partner is to instill courage in them because we all lack confidence and this helps to help them become better.

One can use encouraging words, kind words, and humble words. Examples: I love you my darling, you are lovely today, your drawing is beautiful, I am good with you, I missed you, etc ...As we can see, these are simple and direct affirmations, which are always pleasant to hear.

Quality moments

What good is having a nice house, a car to go out and other perks if we don't enjoy them together?

Quality moments are good times spent together, quality time. These are times when we give our partner full attention. It's not sitting next to him watching TV or being glued to his cell phone or tablet. It is looking at her, talking to her, listening to her, hugging her, going for a walk together, going to a restaurant ...

We usually recognize engaged couples in a restaurant because they look at each other and talk to each other. We recognize the bride and groom because they look at the others. I think quality moments are what couples who have been “settled” for a while have been missing the most. We are in a routine where we forget to have a good time together.

I became aware of this situation with my girlfriend last month. This had given rise to the article "Is my blog harming my relationship?" ". I have corrected my behavior and my relationship is doing better

Note that when we have children, there are quality moments that we can spend with our partner but also quality moments spent with the family, and where our attention is focused on the family: women and children.


Gifts are an integral part of Love. They are visible symbols of Love. Gifts can be bought, found or made with our own hands. The value of the gift is irrelevant. For someone with limited resources, a gift of a few euros can express millions of euros of love. What matters is that we have thought of the other. Moms remember the day their child gave them a flower they picked from the garden.

If you are not sensitive to gifts and never give them, remember that your partner is not like you. Treat her to something she might like and see her reaction. Does that make him happy? If you think you are wrong as a gift, get advice, but don't hesitate to keep it simple. Sometimes a simple flower is enough. Next time it's going to be a surprise restaurant. The one from a book by an author she loves, etc. …

The gift of oneself or of one's presence can be considered a gift. That is, being present and available when it matters most or when your partner needs you badly.

Services rendered

The services rendered are all the aids that would please your partner. You try to please him by doing him a favor. Services like cooking a good meal, setting the table, doing the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning a piece of furniture, unclogging a sink, putting away his shoes, removing spills on the mirror, taking out the trash, changing the baby's diapers, repaint the bedroom, take your child to his sport, mow the lawn, etc. …

These services require thought, organization, time, energy and are not always pleasant to perform. This type of service may seem trivial or too down to earth to some, but it speaks a lot to those who are sensitive to it, and so may your partner. We notice that we provide a lot more service at the start of a relationship than when we have been living with someone for several years. All of those early relationship efforts, which you don't feel like effort, but pleasure, can be seen as constraints over time.

"He wasn't like that at the start of a relationship" is one type of phrase that we can see then, in connection with this change in behavior. When you love someone, you also have to show them through this type of service.

Physical touch

Touch is a means of communicating the feeling of Love: hugging the hands, kissing, hugging, having sex are all ways of making our partner feel that they are loved. For some people, touch is the language of love they understand best. But there are people who are tactile, cuddly, and others who are less so. If you express your love through good meals cooked with love and with many gifts but your partner needs physical contact, he will not feel loved. For anyone who is sensitive to touch as an expression of feelings, physical contact will be stronger than the words "I love you". The loving touch can be a massage but also a simple hand placed on the others on the terrace of a cafe.

What is my language of Love?

We each have one or more languages of Love to which we are sensitive. It is the same for our partner. Our behavior is influenced by the parental model, our personality, our perception of love, our emotions, our needs and our wants.

These language differences generally come from our childhood, adolescence in connection with the behavior of our parents. If your parents aren't tactile, chances are you aren't either. It is important that our partner knows our language but also to know the language of our partner to give him what he needs.

Generally, when one is dissatisfied, one expresses it by reproaches "you never spend time with me", "you never take out the trash", "you never give me gifts", "you do not never take in your arms”, …

We come to a misunderstanding in some couples and a vicious circle that ends with no more effort on both sides, empty emotional reservoirs and a break up. In some cases, it is possible to save the relationship by re-learning to talk to each other, to listen to each other in the language of love that speaks to our partner the most.

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